I loved this little girl like she was my own… heck, I still do.

Her name is Olive, and she loved to take selfies with me:

Since 2019 I’ve loved Olive, her brothers, and her Mother as well.

Olive has 2 older brothers, all three kids lost their father in 2017… the boys thought of me as “that odd guy dating my Mom”… but Olive and I grew close because she was only 3 years old, she never really knew her father.

There was that Dad / Daughter dynamic between us.

Over time I got to know Olive’s brothers, they were both quiet and really into video games. I’m not quiet, and I’ve never gotten into video games… so we had few things in common. It took me a long time to understand Dill and Moose, on the Myers Briggs personality chart we are almost exact opposites!

Me and Olive were always really goofy together, she’s at that age where she fully embraced the inherent silliness of the universe, and I encouraged this. Olive and I are both extroverts, so we would get loud and Winni would tell us to quiet down.

Took this pic when we were on vacation together in New Mexico:

These past few days I’ve been thinking about Olive, her family… and all the stuff I messed up.

I don’t have any answers about WHAT lies beyond death, but I think we are held to account in regards to HOW we loved people while here on Earth. Olive really brought out the best in me, that gentle and loving part of my personality.

Having a child in your life is such a blessing, I’m grateful for the time we shared together.

I wanted to be there as she grew up. I wanted to be there when she graduated college.

I think about Olive, Dill and Moose every single day, I wonder how they are.

Things didn’t work out with Winni, we broke up “officially” the end of 2020.

I wanted to marry Winni, I wanted to grow old with her. I wanted to help Winni raise her kids, pay the bills, do all that domestic stuff that’s far easier as a couple vs. being a single parent.

Frankly, I would have done anything to make that happen.

I question my OWN heart all the time… what was the meaning behind loving this family?

With my biological daughters there was always a connection, from the moment they were born.

This is me and Grace, about 20 years ago:

Grace now lives up in Pittsburgh, she’s all grown up, she’s got a full time job… I’m proud of her.

The same goes for my oldest, Claire:

I’m having dinner with Claire and her boyfriend Paul this week, and looking forward to that.

Grace is 22, Claire is 24… my daughters are such a blessing in my life.

Fatherhood changed as my girls got older, the questions changed, my role in their lives evolved.

I felt the SAME connection with Winni and her family as I’ve always felt with my daughters, and my parents.

That same tremendous love.

Hanging out with Olive reminded me of those times when my girls were little.

I loved coloring with Olive, this is one of my favorite pics:

Many times we were the Three Musketeers; Me, Winni and Olive… the boys wanted to stay home to play video games (emerging teenage independence) but Olive wanted to go with Winni and I all the time.

I would watch Olive and Winni together, and I would be the third wheel there!

The love between Winni and Olive was a miracle to witness.

Damn, I miss both these silly girls.

Crazy thing is? I know that both Winni and Olive still love me… we went on vacation recently (as friends) and we still had a lovely time together.

There was love there. There is still love there.

I still love Winni and her family, I still want to reconcile with them.

I’m not giving up, dammit.

These are the unsolved mysteries in my own heart.

Sometimes I think life would be far easier if I didn’t love people like THIS, if I was NOT in tune with my heart.

Loving Olive and her family is the RIGHT thing to do, even if it hurts so much now.

This picture says it all…

I’ve reached the conclusion that I’d rather be totally single for now.

One of two things will happen:

#1. Winni and I will reconcile (maybe a 1 in a million chance)

#2. I will be alone, living my life and doing stuff until I no longer hold this love in my heart.

It is not HONEST to date anyone else while I’m still in love with Winni.

I can do comedy, hit the gym, do some writing, act in a play, sell some solar…. but I don’t want to hold another hand, or go on another godforsaken date, not while I feel this way.

This is a public blog, I’m putting myself out there by writing this.

This is honest.

Ben Alexander

January 19 ::::::::::::::::::: 2022