I loved this little girl like she was my own… heck, I still do.
Her name is Olive, and she loved to take selfies with me:
In 2019 and 2020… and even 2021… I loved her and loved her Mother as well.
Me and Olive were always really goofy together, she’s at that age where she fully embraced the inherent silliness of the universe, and I encouraged this.
Took this pic when we were on vacation together in New Mexico:
These past few days I’ve been thinking about Olive, her mother… and all the stuff I messed up.
I don’t have any answers about WHAT lies beyond death, but I think we are held to account in regards to HOW we loved people while here on Earth. Olive brought out the best in me, that gentle and loving part of my personality.
Having a child in your life is such a blessing, I’m grateful for the time we shared together.
Olive lost her father when she was only 1 year old, and I tried to be as good to her as the father she lost.
I wanted to be there as she grew up. I wanted to be there when she graduated college.
I think about Olive every single day, I wonder how she is.
Things didn’t work out with Olive’s mother, but it was never my decision to exit Olive’s life, that decision was made for me.
I wanted to marry Olive’s mother, I wanted to grow old with her. Frankly, I would have done anything to make that happen.
I question my OWN heart all the time… what was the meaning behind loving this little girl and her family?
With my biological daughters there was always a connection, from the moment they were born.
This is me and Grace, about 20 years ago:
Grace now lives up in Pittsburgh, she’s all grown up, she’s got a full time job… I’m proud of her.
The same goes for my oldest, Claire:
I’m having dinner with Claire and her boyfriend Paul this week, and looking forward to that.
Grace is 22, Claire is 24… these girls are such a blessing in my life.
Fatherhood changed as my girls got older, the questions changed, my role in their lives evolved.
I felt the SAME connection with Olive and her family as I’ve always felt with my daughters, and my parents.
That same tremendous love.
When I met Olive it reminded me of those times when my girls were little.
I loved coloring with Olive, this is one of my favorite pics:
Just reading stories to Olive before she fell asleep… I’m so grateful for those moments we shared together.
Damn, I miss her.
I wish that I had been good ENOUGH for Olive’s mother, but I guess I wasn’t.
That makes me sad, in so many ways.
WHY do we love people like this if we are to lose them?
What is the purpose to this?
Why am I crying right now as I type these words?
These are the unsolved mysteries in my own heart.
Sometimes I think life would be far easier if I didn’t love people like THIS, if I was NOT in tune with my heart.
Loving Olive and her family was the right thing to do, even if it hurts so much now.
Darn, this picture says it all… there was such love there… and I screwed it all up.